Rejection may come from many sources and some of those causes can be somehow
ridiculous for some but extremely
serious for others. Incidentally the most
common reason for rejection is a feeling of inadequacy and a fear of failure
from your partner. Regardless of the reason your significant other is
dropping you is still devastating to the ego.
The list is endless but let me
mention a few reasons why you could be dropped.
A lack of communication
A lack of mental support
A lack of sexual activity
A lack of understanding
A lack of good health
lack of spirituality
By: D. Glazebrook
BEYOND FEAR OF REJECTION AND LONELINESS
Relationship rejection is one of those nasty by products that come along with dating. Most of us don’t have skin thick
enough to completely ward off the effects. We are “only human” after all. However, when one person tells another that they aren’t a good match, politely or otherwise, you can’t help but
feel the pain of rejection. This isn’t the soft pain that you associate with asking someone out and them saying no.
This is relationship rejection and it comes after feelings have been seriously committed. When this happens, keep the following
tips in mind.
Address the pain.
It’s no use hiding in your bed or behind a big bottle of wine. You’re
bound to feel a great deal of pain and it’s good to embrace it. Rejection hurts but you need to face it to fix it and
Avoid needless anguish.
Some relationships are worth fighting for to be sure, but really take a look
at what the reasons were that led to the breakup or rejection. You don’t want to beat a dead horse. Let it go and spend
your time fighting for something and someone with a future.
As good as it is to face rejection, you also need to ensure that you’re
not compounding the pain by dwelling needlessly on it. Get outside, get together with friends, join a club and keep social.
Not only will it be better for you mentally, but it can also serve as an intro to your next relationship!
"I am dealing with rejection"
Try breathing exercise...
The right person for you is a step closer.
This might sound a little hokey to begin with but
the truth of the matter is that by not spending time with someone who knows you’re not right for them, you’re
opening up time in your life for someone who is right. After all, life is busy enough as is to spend what little free time
we have with Mr. or Ms. Wrong.
Everyone faces rejection. It’s a part of dating and relationships. You might feel the sting for days,
weeks or months to come, but when you keep focused on your goal of finding the right connection as opposed to the wrong one,
you’re bound to bounce back and be all the better for it!
Everyone faces rejection. It’s a part of dating and relationships. You might feel the sting for days, weeks or months
to come, but when you keep focused on your goal of finding the right connection as opposed to the wrong one, you’re
bound to bounce back and be all the better for it!
Tom G. Stevens PhD
"...Some people suffer more intense levels of rejection for longer periods in their life
than other people. Deeper issues such as those listed below may be increasing your fear of rejection.
FEAR OF REJECTION AS FEAR OF BEING ALONE
Underlying your fear of rejection might be a fear
of being or living alone. You might fear ending up all alone in the world with no one who really cares.
FEAR OF BEING ALONE AS FEAR OF NOT BEING ABLE TO CREATE YOUR OWN HAPPINESS ALONE
of being all alone in the world is not in itself something to panic about. While some people panic at the thought--others
delight at the thought. If you believe that you can take care of your own needs well and be happy even if you are alone,
then being alone is nothing to fear. If you believe that you need others to take care of you and "make" you happy, then you
are too dependent on others and their absence is something to "panic" about.
PRACTICE: Examine the degree to which you can create your own happiness--even when alone. Examine
how too much dependence on others for happiness can undermine your feelings of confidence with others and lead to fear of
FEAR OF REJECTION AS NEGATIVE FEEDBACK ABOUT WHO YOU ARE
If your self-image is too closely
tied to what others think of you or how well you relate to others, then fear of rejection can be a threat to your whole self-image.
That in itself can create a lot of anxiety. If you are used to defining the core of your Self or your future as "popular,"
"married," "well-liked," "a leader," or the like, then you threats to any of these self-concepts may create a great deal of
anxiety. Or you may view your life script as being married, having children, or having a number of close friends. To
the degree that any of those expectations are threatened, and you cannot see how you can be happy without them, then
you will experience anxiety.
How can you overcome fear of rejection due
to threat to your self-image or life script? You must define yourself and your essence in a way that does
not depend upon what others think. For example, if you define yourself as someone whose main goals are to seek happiness
for yourself and others; treat others kindly, honestly, and assertively; be a person of integrity; and not worry about other's
reactions to you, then meeting your primary goals will not be dependent upon what others think. Your happiness will be in
your control, and you will feel much more secure.
On the other hand if you define yourself primarily as someone who must be loved and accepted by
others, then your happiness will be in their control and you will always fell insecure and anxious at some deep level. For
more help on self-esteem, Go to Chapter 5 on self-esteem in You Can Choose To Be Happy .
PRACTICE: (1) Make a list of at least 10 important general characteristics of yourself.
(2) Examine items on that list which are "interpersonal" in nature. How would you feel about yourself if all of these were
threatened at once. Could you still love, respect, and take good care of yourself and still be a happy person? If not, then
try to re-examine what changes need to take place in your beliefs about yourself to become less dependent upon others and
their view of you.
FACTORS AFFECTING YOUR FEAR OF BEING ALONE and ATTACHMENT TO OTHERS
(The higher your "attachment," the higher your fear of rejection!)
The more emotionally "attached" you become to someone--the more important you believe they are
to you--the more anxiety you will create about losing them. One of the best ways to control your fear of rejection is to not
get overly attached to someone. The following factors are especially important sources of attachment that is too
much, too soon.
1. HOW "SPECIAL" THE OTHER PERSON IS--the more you want to be wanted by them, the more anxiety
it will cause. Many people develop a fantasy or script about what love should be like. For example many people expect
to marry their "first love," or the person that they have called their "soul mate." Letting yourself develop and fantasize
about the future with a person increases attachment and anxiety about the expectations or plans not coming true. Any
little event that makes the plan seem likely makes you feel elated; any event that makes it seem unlikely makes you feel devastated.
You can get on an emotional roller-coaster, dependent upon these little signs of success or failure in the relationship. You
may then drive the person away by being too emotional or needy.
To prevent this emotional roller-coaster, don't develop the expectations prematurely. Don't
fantasize and plan for the future prematurely. Always know that it may not work out and have alternative plans that you
know you can be happy with.
2. BELIEVING ONLY ONE PERSON IS RIGHT FOR YOU vs. many are right. The fact is that many people
who thought someone was the only person for them and thought their life was ruined because they could not be with that person
later found someone else with whom they were much happier. Remind yourself that, no matter how much you may feel that
is the only person for you, you can be wrong!
3. HOW CONFIDENT YOU ARE IN YOUR ABILITY TO HELP CREATE A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP
The less confident
you are that you can create a happy relationship or get a person like you want, the more likely you are:
(1) to pick someone with whom you will not be satisfied. Or you may wait for others to approach you. People who tend to use or dominate you may be the very type of more outgoing people who will seek you. Then
you may later wonder why you keep getting into relationships with people who don't treat you well. Learn to be active
in the process of meeting others and getting involved in a relationship. Keep the initiation of mutual activities closer
to a 50-50 level, and don't just go along for the ride when you are seeing red flags.
(2) to pick someone who "needs" you to take care of them, because they do not take care
of themselves well. Frequently in a codependent relationship, the codependent partner believes his/her "weak" partner is so
dependent upon them that they will not leave them. The codependent partner may also believe that he/she is not very attractive
and believes he/she could not attract someone as attractive as this irresponsible partner if the other was not so needy. They
are not willing to risk finding someone who is not needy, who would only want them for how much they enjoyed being with them.
They are afraid no one they would want would really be attracted to them or stay with them. If you are one of these people,
it is important to test that assumption. You probably have many other desirable qualities another would love that you don’t
appreciate about yourself. See the section below on "stereotypes". Also, if you really believe that you do not know how to
create fun and happiness for yourself, you may want to work on that. That could make a difference in attracting a more fun
loving, happy person if that is the type of person you want.
4. SHARING EVENTS--ESPECIALLY CONVERSATIONAL AND PHYSICAL INTIMACY
Sharing life events
increases attachment. Just being together in a variety of circumstances seems to build some degree of closeness. However,
sharing important life events, sharing of one's innermost feelings and thoughts, and physical intimacy are powerful forces
that can lead to very strong "attachment" (to the degree that these events are positive). If you have gained a high degree
of intimacy, that is great! However, it does not mean that you can't find it with someone else. On the contrary,
it means that you have learned how to be intimate, and your chances are very high that you can find at least that much intimacy
again. Most often people move into better--not worse--relationships after one has ended.
SUMMARY: Some "do"s and "don't"s to keep from getting too attached too early.
Constantly remind yourself, "I want to control my anxiety and fear of rejection. Don't
get too attached too early."
Question thoughts like, "This is the only person I can be happy with."
· Don't fantasize about the future with this person.
Avoid sexual involvement that is too early (before strong, reciprocal relationship factors
Don't focus all your thoughts and fantasies on this one person--especially before you
have established a strong dating relationship. Fantasize about a variety of people (even movie stars, or imaginary people)
so that you relate to this person as a real person--not as a fantasy.
WHO IS THE "RIGHT" PERSON FOR YOU--
WHO WILL REALLY WANT JUST YOU?
RELATIONSHIP INTIMACY HIERARCHY
There are many levels of closeness and intimacy with other people. Examples include: marriage,
closest family and friends, close friends, friends, friends for specific needs (eg. work, bowling, church), acquaintances.
There are many differences between different levels of intimacy. The amount of physical and communication intimacy, time spent
together, commitment, sharing, helping each other, etc. will vary with each level.
Every person you contact in your life has some maximum potential level for achieving
intimacy with you. This maximum level will depend upon many factors. Many people have the potential for lower levels of intimacy
(such as acquaintance), but few have the potential for the highest levels (such as marriage). The fact that a person only
achieves a certain level does not mean that the relationship "failed"--it merely achieved its maximum potential level
of intimacy and could go no further.
IT'S OK THAT MOST PEOPLE YOU MEET AND DATE ARE NOT THE RIGHT PERSON
people out of 10,000 people in the appropriate age and sex group would you really want as your "significant other"? How many
are really right for you? Most people you meet/date will not be a good enough match, so why beat yourself up when the relationships
end. The relationship was almost certainly a mismatch.
Instead, try to understand the reasons the relationship ended. To what degree was it due to differences
between the two of you? If the reasons partly include that you haven't acted in ways consistent with your own standards for
yourself, then change your thinking and actions for the next person .
THERE ARE MANY "RIGHT" PEOPLE
If you believe that only one person is "right"
for you, then you will become extremely dependent upon that person. Putting a person on a pedestal like this will most likely
lead to dependent feelings and behavior that actually causes both of you to be unhappy. You may try so hard to please and
keep that "person you can't live without" that you end up losing your sense of freedom to be yourself and giving up your own
happiness. In turn you will become increasingly unattractive to your "pedestal" person.THE MAIN FACTORS CAUSING A
PERSON TO WANT TO BE WITH YOU ARE INHERENT IN WHO YOU ARE!
Even though this may seem obvious, this is
a very powerful statement! The factors that affect how much one person is attracted to another include the following:
General beliefs and values: cultural, religious, moral, political, family, sexual,
Background: culture, family, career, education, organizations, etc.
Relationship factors: previous history, control style (dominant-submissive or
assertive), problem-solver, conversational style, empathy, independence-dependence, emotional expressiveness, playfulness,
romantic style, liberated-traditional sex roles, etc.
Interests: career, cultural, music, sports, education, romantic, etc.
Personal characteristics and habits: honesty, responsibility, ambition, achievement,
caring/understanding, openness, emotionality, independence, self-esteem, positiveness, cleanliness, orderliness, stability,
assertiveness, adventurousness, sense of humor, etc.
Personal problems and bad habits (big TURN-OFFs to almost everyone): addictions,
dishonesty, cheating, withdrawal, suspiciousness, irresponsible, cruel, aggressive, extremely dominating or needy, emotionally
out of control, etc.
The above factors are the kinds of factors that will be the major determinants of whether you
and another person will be happy together. Most of these factors are determined by parts of yourself that are highly stable
over many years. You probably don't want to change most of these aspects of yourself. If you just act naturally, you will
reveal these true aspects of yourself to your partner (and vice-versa). Your partner will accept or reject you on the basis
of how well these factors match their own factors (and vice-versa). Therefore it should be clear that nature tends to
bring people together or apart on the basis of who they really are, so why try to hide?
Research and clinical experience shows that overall, the more alike partners are-especially
in aspects important to the partners-the more likely the relationship will succeed and be happy.
If your partner is "right" for you, he/she will like you as you really are, and they
will be attracted to you. Out there somewhere are probably many potential partners who are a lot like you! These
are the people who will be naturally attracted to you. Think about it for a minute. How would you feel about being with
a partner who is a lot like you in most important aspects?